Kiss Breakdown
by SammiSunshine00
Summary: Finn and Rae are still figuring this out after a week of Finn telling Rae he loved her. Is Rae ready for big new phase in her life? And will Finn be able to deal with what comes if she has trouble adjusting?
1. Chapter 1

It had been just over a week since Finn told Rae that he loved her and Rae was still in disbelief, totally in complete denial that the guy she had a massive crush on actually wanted her back. Even after a week of "figuring things out", and even after they'd kissed, there was something gnawing at her at the back of her head; something looming in the wake of this beautiful thing that had blossomed.

Rae rolled around her bed, doodling in her diary, flipping through old pages she'd scribbled on, when she stopped at the page she had really been looking for; the page that contained the events that occurred during the night of her mum's wedding. It was like a projector was turned on in front of her eyes, and she taken back to Finn writing on her back and moment's after when he lunged towards her, not being able to hold back any longer. He grabbed Rae's face, taking her into his embrace, as he finally kissed her and she kissed him back.

Rae remembered the kiss that she'd wanted for so long, running her fingers along her lips. She remembered what Finn's felt like on hers, beautiful contrasting themselves, rough but smooth, warm but cool. Finn had stopped kissing her for a moment, smiling against Rae's mouth.

"Dammit, Rae. You don't know how long I've been wantin' to do that."

Rae shut her diary, put it in her secret hiding place and headed down stairs to make some breakfast. Her mum was still away with Karim on their honeymoon so she had the house to herself for another week.

She sat at the table, eating oatmeal, tapping her foot to the beat of a song coming from the television that she couldn't make out. Rae was happy that she finally found some happiness, but she wasn't sure where this was taking her. Was it going to make her insecurities better or worse? What was Kester going to say when she told him about Finn? Was he going to say it was a bad idea? Rae hated not knowing, because she wanted this to work; she wanted to be with Finn and experience all the things she had written about in her diary.

The only problem was that every time she's think about her and Finn together, her insecurities her projected onto any happiness she might feel. It was like black sludge dripping onto every thought she had, tainting her image of their relationship. She was a prisoner to her thoughts and she didn't know how to escape. Ever after Finn had reassured her multiple times during the week, that he wanted to be with her and only her, that she was who he wanted and that he thought she was more beautiful than snow on a Christmas day; it still felt too good to be true, no matter how much reassurance she got.

Rae was so consumed by her thoughts that she didn't hear the doorbell ring until the person on the other side of the door was practically breaking it.

Rae rushed to the door swinging it open, "Oi!..." She cut herself off when she saw who had standing on her threshold.

"Oh, Finn." Her stomach fluttered when she said his name. "Sorry, I was uh washing dishes."

"It's fine, love. I was just messing with ya with the doorbell and all. Thought I'd pop by for a visit, yeah?" Finn said, a smile across his gorgeous face.

"Yeah, come on in." Rae said, smiling, forgetting everything she had just been thinking about.

He stepped in, stopping to give her a kiss on the cheek.

"So what you been up to? Having the place all to yourself must be nice, yeah?"

They made their way into the sitting area, settling done next to each other on the couch.

"Not much. Ya know, same old."

"Well, I suppose not everything is the same." Finn grabbed Rae's hand, tracing the letters L-O-V-E on the back of it.

Rae just stared into his beautiful eyes, bashfully. It's not that she didn't want to write it back, or say that she loved him out loud, she just couldn't. There was something that kept stopping her. Maybe embarrassment? Or maybe if she said it out loud, if she confirmed it, then the walls around her would open up and it would be revealed that she was on some television show and this was all a big joke. No, the truth was safe and sound inside her brain. And she sort of knew that Finn could tell she felt the same; he understood her.

"Did you want something to drink? I can put some tea on, yeah?" she asked, not sure what to say. She was afraid he'd start to get weirded out by her staring. But she couldn't help it. He was beautiful, positively drop dead handsome and even though she couldn't quite believe it, he was hers!

"Nah, it's fine Rae. I just wanna sit here and chat for a while." He had the slyest smirk on his face.

"Whadya mean?" Her suspicions rising. She wished kissing Finn were as easy as kissing Archie. But she didn't like Archie anymore and he was gay. And he didn't expect anything from her and she didn't expect anything from herself. They were just best mates. With Finn, she knew he didn't expect anything from her, but she expected the world out of herself. She wanted to be beautiful for him and say the right things and do the right things. Because he chose her for a reason, but how long was that reason going to be enough before he could see through his love blinded eyes and see her for the ugly, beached whale that she was.

"Rae, you're gonna have to start trusting me, yeah? I'm not gonna bite your bloody head off." Finn shifted in the couch, moving closer to Rae. "Do you trust me?" he asked, pushing a hair out of her face.

She nodded her head and placed her hand on his. Finn smiled his smile as his leaned into Rae, brushing her lips with his. He laughed a bit, feeling how nervous Rae was.

"Relax." He said, kissing the corner of her mouth, trailing the kiss down her chin.

_This is how you expect to me relax? Rae thought. I'm gonna need a cold shower before we get through this._

Finn continued and slowly, Rae eased into what he was doing. He made his way back to her mouth and she tried something they hadn't done yet. She opened her mouth. Finn paused for a moment, as though surprised, but taking Rae's cue, he slipped his tongue into her mouth and vice versa. It was bumpy start, but Rae finally got the hang of it.

Finn pulled away from Rae, out of breath, and laughing. And she was laughing too. She was enjoying herself. In fact, she was more than enjoying herself. She was making out with the fittest guy in Lincolnshire, she was fucking ecstatic. For a brief moment in time, she let go of the thousands of insecurities she held on to and was taken over by her lust for Finn. She grabbed his shirt, brining him back to her and Finn followed, laying her against the armrest, his hand holding him up.

Rae arched her back into him and bent low into her, their bodies almost melding together. Suddenly, Rae started to feel something inside her chest, a panic, like this was starting to get too serious.

She pulled away from him, giggling a little. "Finn…"

He chuckled, "Yeah, I got a little carried away." He said, huskily.

Finn climbed off of Rae, pulling her along with him. He draped his arm over he shoulders, holding her close.

"I'm not gonna lie, that was bloody fantastic." Rae giggled.

Finn let out a laugh, "Yeah, it was. I didn't there I was going to stop for a moment there."

Rae looked up at him, smiling, with a brain full of things that consisted of what she wanted to do with Finn at the very moment.

But she simply said, "Me either."


	2. Chapter 2

The day followed with Finn and Rae lounging around the house, eating, watching television, listening to music and bickering about which bands were better than others. There was also the occasional kiss, here and there. Most times Finn would initiate them, but more than once, Rae took it upon herself to lay one on Finn. And he smirked at her, knowing that she was starting to be comfortable with him and this whole crazy, wonderful thing that was happening with them.

Later on, after the whole day of staying indoors, they made plans with the gang to meet up at the park. Upon arriving there, most of the gang was there except for Izzy and Chop. Rae wondered what they might have been up to.

"Hiya, guys!" said Archie, slumping against the brick wall behind him, snapping open a beer.

"Hey!" said, Rae, Finn and Chloe in unison.

Chop and Izzy walked over then, laughing. "Hey guys!" they said, Chop's arm around Izzy.

"Hey!" was heard sporadically through out the group.

Rae and Finn sat down next to each other, Finn gently resting his arm around Rae's shoulder. And that was the extent that they would go in front of anyone. They were both private and saved the kissing and other activities for behind closed doors.

Also, they had just told the gang about them only two days ago, so Rae was sure the adjustment was going to take them all a while.

Chloe was staring in their direction, not even trying to do it inconspicuously. Rae thought Chloe was probably thinking how could Finn stomach being with Rae, and Chloe was right, Rae didn't understand how he could either. But he did, and that's all she was bothered to care about.

"So what have you lovebirds been up to?" asked Archie.

"Not much, Arch. Just listening to music, hanging out. Not much as changed, you know." said Finn.

"Rae, can I talk to you for a moment." Chloe quickly announced.

"Sure." Said Rae, knowing Chloe was going to say something she didn't want to hear.

"Izzy." Chloe called."

The three girls met down the field from where they started and Chloe dove right in.

"So have you guys made out?" she inquired, and right away Rae blushed, somewhat prepared for the question, but then not prepared at all. She had never really made out with a boy until Finn.

"Yeah." She said, a little giddy to spill all of the details, he face redder than a tomato.

"Oh my god, that's wonderful!" said Izzy.

"Have you done anything else?" Chloe inquired.

"Em, we've just made out a few times, a touch or feel here or there, nothing too crazy. I- we want to take a slow."

"That's good, Rae. The way you'd talk, I thought you might have jumped his bones first thing." Chloe said.

"Nah, I mean, I didn't really mean those things. And Finn is so special and nice. I don't want to ruin it. "

"Yeah, you're right. I'm so happy for you though, Rae. I really am. I'm just worried though. And you know, I'm you're best mate and I love ya, but what if Finn doesn't like what he sees when you guys finally decide to have sex?"

Rae was stunned by Chloe's question. Izzy slouched back, her mouth slightly open with shock. How could Chloe ask such a thing?

Rae stammered, trying to regain the ability to speak. "I dunno, he seems to like me just the way I am, me being big obviously no secret. Why would he have a problem with it when my clothes are off?"

"Because, you know, Rae. He's a guy and guys are stupid and want one thing one moment and one thing the next. All I'm saying is, be careful." Chloe patted Rae on the shoulder and walked past her, back to the group.

Rae stood there, not looking back, still stunned at how much of a bitch Chloe was.

For the first time Izzy something against Chloe, "Don't listen to her Rae. She's just jealous you got Finn and she's got nobody. You're beautiful and Finn likes you just the way you are, yeah?"

Rae liked Izzy so much. She was so kind and just such a wonderful person, " Thanks Izzy." Rae, said, hugging her. And the walked back to the group together.

Later that evening, Rae went home after having a small make-out session with Finn in his car. But she couldn't shake the feeling Chloe had left her with. What if her body repulsed Finn if and when he saw it? What if he ran out of her house screaming killer whale?

She flipped the light on in her room and turned her mirror towards her. Her reflection had gotta somewhat better to look at, but right now, she thought she was the most hideous person in the world. She stared down at her large thighs and at the roundness of midsection. She hated her body, she hated herself and she still didn't know how to deal with it. What as even harder, was that she didn't know how to deal with someone else loving her just the way she was, because she couldn't even bear to look in a mirror.

She turned the mirror away from her, a deep, fierce sadness settling itself inside her chest. She so desperately wanted to escape from this pit of despair that she found herself in sometimes. She wanted to be normal, or rather, healthy. She didn't want Finn to be the thing that made her love herself, because what would happen if he was just gone one day, or they broke up, or whatever? Then she would feel 10 times shittier than before.

No, she needed to love herself for herself. But it was so hard when she looked in the mirror and wanted to smash it to bits. Rae slumped to the ground, tears cascading down her face, her chest heaving in and out. She hated this, she hated this feeling, she just wanted to all go away. She laid her head on the carpet, sobbing until she fell asleep.


	3. Chapter 3

The sun leaked into Rae's room the next morning, lighting the particles that floated around in the air. She had fallen asleep on the floor, only grabbing a pillow and blanket from her bed. Rae sat up, running her hands over face as though trying to rub away her feelings from last night. The room spun as she stood up, grabbing her head to steady it, making her way to the bathroom.

She stared into the mirror momentarily, repulsed by her face, as per usual. She hated everything about herself, and it was a deep rooted hate. She could feel it in her soul, down to the very core of her being and it was absolutely exhausting. The phone rang then and she almost didn't want to go get it, but it might have been her mom and she didn't want her to worry.

Rae jogged down the stairs and picked the phone up off the receiver, " 'ello." She answered.

"Rae?" Finn voice came through the phone, a voice she didn't expect to hear.

"Finn." She said simply.

"Where ya been Rae? I've been calling since last night. I was started to get worried. I half wanted to go over right now instead of callin'."

"Oh, sorry. I felt asleep early and just woke up now." She didn't even know what time it was; glancing over her shoulder to look at the clock on the oven, she saw that it was after noon.

"Well, you must be well rested then." Finn said, with a small chuckle. "Do you mind if stop by? I wanted to see ya."

Rae paused for a moment. She felt like utter shit. She didn't want to fittest guy in all of Lincolnshire who just happened to be her boyfriend to see her. She didn't care about how he thought she was beautiful, she didn't feel it and she couldn't, no matter how hard she tried.

"Um, I'm actually feeling pretty sick. That's why I've been sleeping all day. Do ya mind if I just give you a call later?"

"Are ya sure? Do you need anything?" he asked, his voice full of concern.

"No, I don't need anything. Thanks Finn."

"Don't forget to give me a ring later, yeah?"

"I won't. Bye." She hung up the receiver, not able to continue talking to him. She hated lying to him. She desperately wanted to tell him how she felt right now, but what if Chloe was right? She could scare him away at any moment, she didn't need to add to the long list of odds that were already stacked against her.

The next day, after staying in her robe for a straight 24 hours, Rae decided it was time to shower and leave the house. The hot water against her skin was soothing and comforting. Today she would try to be positive. Today she would try to think that she was as beautiful as Finn thought she was. Today she was just going to try.

She walked out of the house, the fresh summer air inviting. She had spoken on the phone with Finn and said the gang were meeting up at the chippy and then going to the park for a couple of beers. Walking into the chippy, she noticed that she was the last one to get there. Finn immediately got up and rushed to her, giving her a kiss and hugging her tightly.

"Are you feeling better?" he asked, pulling his head back from the hug, tucking a hair behind her ear.

"Yeah, much better. I think I just had a stomach bug." She fibbed, not really sure what else to say.

They held hands on the way back to their usual table, the gang shouting hey's and hi's to her as she sat down.

"Alright there, Rae?" asked Archie, stroking her back.

"Yeah, I'm alright. Just had a stomach bug or something. Did I miss anything?"

"No, nothing really. " he dropped his voice into a whisper. "Chloe got rejected by a guy in university last night. It was hilarious."

"Shit," Rae giggled. "I wish I was there to see that."

"Are we heading out gang?" Chop said, standing up.

There was a collective yeah and everyone started to make their way to the park. They all sat on the bleachers and the girls stayed while he guys went to play some footie with a some other guys that had already been there.

"You sure you're alright?" Finn asked Rae as he put down his bag and took off his jacket. "Just say the word and I'll take you home, yeah?'"

"Oh, Finn, I'm fine! You go play! " she pecked him on the lips and sent him off with a smile.

Rae did feel okay so far. She was avoiding Chloe as much as she could without it being obvious. She just didn't want Chloe to trigger her again.

The game started and Rae cheered Finn on, holding a beer in her hand. Her and Izzy joked and laughed with one another as they cheered on their boyfriends as Chloe sat, looking discontent. Even though it was wrong of her, Rae couldn't help but be a little happy about that.

She averted her attention from Chloe when she heard footsteps next her on the bleachers. A few girls came up to watch the game; they stood there for a few moments speaking amongst themselves.

"Hey, do you know who that guy is there?" she was pointing directly at Finn as he dribbled the ball towards the goal.

Rae started to panic slightly but tried to reassure herself. Maybe she was just a family friend? Maybe they went to pre-school together and somehow she just recognized him. Maybe she wasn't even interested in him and just wanted to say how hideous she thought he was. Rae would take any of those.

"Yeah, he's my boyfriend. Why?" Rae responded, the words leaving her lips before she could control them.

The girl looked stunned at first and then began to laugh, and then her friends joined in. "You're joking right?" she continued to laugh. "I mean, if you fancy him that's alright, but I just don't see that happening sweetie, alright?" she said, condescendingly, placing her hand on Rae's arm.

Rae wasn't sure what to say. Her anger had taken over her entire body, her hands were shaking and it felt like her face had a match lit to it. She could feel Chloe behind her, her hand wrapped around Rae's wrist. Izzy also had her hand on Rae's arm as though they knew what she was about to do next, even if Rae didn't know it herself.


	4. Chapter 4

Before she knew what was happening she felt her knuckles connect with the girl's cheek and then reality went into fast forward. She could hear Izzy and Chloe screaming at her and then her feet were moving under her as she took one final glance at the girl who said those hurtful words, now laying at the bottom of the bleachers semi-conscious.

From the corner of her eye she could see Finn running towards her. He probably saw the whole thing and thought she was a totally nutcase now. He would break up with her for sure now.

She didn't stop when she reached him, she just kept going, walking so fast it was almost a jog. Her head was clouded with hate and anger and sadness. She just wanted to get to the street so she could let a bus or something take her away from the pain she felt.

"RAE!" Finn bellowed, jumping in front of her and grabbing her shoulders. "Stop." He said, a little less harsh then. "Just stop for a moment."

Rae did stop then. The world around her unblurred and she saw Finn's gorgeous face in front of hers, his eyebrows furrowed in concern for her.

"What happened, Rae?" he asked, turning her hand over to look at her scathed knuckles. It was then that she felt a tingle of pain from them.

"Those stupid girls, they were saying things. I didn't even mean to... I didn't even know what I was doing... It just happened and I ran." There were tears rushing down Rae's cheeks. The sadness she felt the other night was back. It consumed her, entirely. It made her bones ache and her joints quiver; she could almost feel it pumping through her vessels, consuming her. It didn't matter how much Finn loved her, she couldn't keep going on like this.

"Rae, look at me." Finn grabbed her face in both of his hands. "Rae, I fucking love you, you here me? And so do the gang and your mum and Kester, Danny and Tix. You are so loved. Don't bother yourself with those girls, they're meaningless." Finn grabbed her and held her tightly in his arms, rocking gently, trying to soothe her.

Rae pulled away from him then, holding onto his wrists, her face tear-soaked and red. "I'll be okay, Finn. I just want to call my mom and try and see if I can see Kester today."

"Are you sure? " Finn asked, concerned. "Don't go doing anything stupid."

"'I'm not. I'm gonna go back to mine and call Kester."

"Alright." Finn grabbed her once more and kissed her firmly on the lips and then broke away, resting his head on her forehead. "I love you, Rae. I hope you know that."

Rae smiled at him and kissed his cheek, "I'll call you later."

Rae made it to her house and began writing. She would write a note to Finn, her Mum, to Tix and Danny, Kester and then to each member of the gang. She spoke of how much she loved each and every one of them, how each of them made her life that much more bearable, that if they weren't in her life, she would have done this a long time ago.

After finishing all of the letters, she headed upstairs to the medicine cabinet and found a bottle of pills that were prescribed to her Mum when she broke her wrist a few years back. It would be less messy than the last time. She didn't want anyone cleaning up after her.

Tears began falling from her eys as the sadness she felt was finally getting its say. She was giving in, she had been defeated. There was nothing left for her to do or say. She just had to admit that she had lost this battle and it was finally time to just give it a rest. One by one, she put the pills in her mouth and then she had a realization. She needed to tell him.

She needed to tell Finn she loved him. She needed him to hear it, not just read it in her letter. She ran down the stairs before she couldn't walk anymore and quickly dialed his number.

"Finn?" she asked, as she tried hard to hold back her tears and sound normal.

"Rae? How are you? Did you speak with Kester?"

"Yeah. I did, I'm going to see him soon. "

"That's good." He said. "I'm gonna come over soon. I was just chatting with my dad really quick."

"No, no. It's okay." Rae said, swallowing hard, her resolve no longer strong, she knew he could hear the crack in her voice.

'"Rae? What's wrong?"

"Finn. I… You are the only person in this whole world who made me even consider thinking I was beautiful. I just needed you to know that… And I love you. I mean I really love you. And I should've said this so much sooner, but I thought if I did this whole dream I was living in was going to disappear. But I needed you to know that. I really love you, Finn Nelson… so much. "

"I love you too, Rae…" and then Finn paused, "Rae… are you sure everthing is okay?" and then he heard a click. His heart dropped into his feet and he knew what she was doing.

He sprinted out of his door and climbed on his scooter, helmetless and jacketless and took off to Rae's house. He wove in and out of traffic, pushing his scooter the fastest speed it could travel. His heart pounded in his chest, the fear of losing Rae weakened his entire body. He couldn't lose her… he wouldn't. Rae had changed him for the better.

Finn reached a traffic jam a block away from Rae's house. He made quick work of abandoning his scooter and continuing on by foot. He ran the through the street, pushing through people, bumping into cars. He ran as fast as his legs would let him, his lungs burning with protest. He could see her house in the near distance but no matter how fast he was running it was as though it was just getting further away.

Finally, he reached her house and the front door was locked, "RAE!" he yelled, pounding on the door. After a few moments he stepped back and began kicking the door and slamming his body into it. Soon, it began cracking and breaking off the hinges and lock. One final blow and he was in, the door collapsing into the house.

There she was, laying underneath the phone. He grabbed it off the receiver and mumbled to the operator that he needed an ambulance to Rae's address immediately. It was foggy around him as he put the phone down, kneeling next to her. He was shaking so bad he could barely place his fingers to her neck to see if she had a pulse.

It was faint but it was there. He could hear the sirens in the distance as grabbed her head and placed in his hands.

"I told you not to do anything stupid. I told you I loved you, Rae." Tears were welling up in his eyes. "I told you I loved you… but I never told you why. You're so different, Rae. You're so loud… and sound. I've never connected with someone like I've connected with you; I've never loved someone like I love you. You got this spirit about you, yeah? This spirit I ain't never seen in anybody. No matter what you've been through, you're so vibrant and easy-going. I couldn't imagine being with anyone else. You make me a better person just by talking to ya. I wish you could hear what I was saying right now. I wish I had told you this sooner and maybe you wouldn't have done this."

Soon the sirens had reached the outside of Rae's house and then they came to take Rae, asking Finn a ton of questions he barely knew the answers to. He followed them into the ambulance, and held Rae's limp hand the whole way, wondering if he was ever going to fight with her about music again, or if he was ever going to hold her close again or even get the chance to make love to her; he just needed her to wake up and then after that they could figure everything else out.


	5. Chapter 5

The scene was a grim one when Rae's mother had to be called. Chloe ended up doing it because Finn just couldn't find the words. One word could be heard through the receiving end of the telephone. "No." No over and over again and then Karim came on the line and said in very few words that they would be home as soon as they could. The last thing Chloe heard was a shriek from Rae's mum and then the line went busy.

The entire gang was gathered in the waiting room. Finn made it a point for the hospital to call Kester who would in turn tell Tix and Danny. Shortly after, Kester showed up and simply nodded at everyone, his face pale, the blood had been drained out of it the moment he'd gotten his phone call. Together they all sat in tense silence, wondering and waiting if Rae was going to be okay.

Finn planted his elbows into his thighs, gripping his head, rocking back and forth. The guilt he felt weighed on him like 12-ton boulders. He knew she was off when she left the park, why'd he let her go? Why didn't he tell her to stay? Why didn't he try to comfort more? Why kind of a boyfriend was he? He thought about the last time he saw Rae smile, but like really smile, and it was when they spent the day together in her house. It was just the two of them, listening to music and being themselves.

Tears began to roll down his cheek and fall into his lap. The last time he cried was when he gran died and suddenly he didn't want to relate the memory to this because Rae wasn't going to die, she was going to be okay and they were going to listen to music together again.

Chop's hand grasped Finn's shoulder, rocking him slightly. He must have noticed Finn was crying as he left his hand there for a minute or two and let go just as the doctor came in.

"I'm looking for Rachel Earl's family?" asked the doctor.

"We're here." They all said, standing, Kester stepping forward first to ask the questions.

"Her mother is on her way. I'm her doctor though and these are her friends. Can you tell us anything?"

"Alright. If you could all have a seat." The doctor gestured to the chairs, taking one himself.

They all sat, waiting impatiently, as the doctor began, "Rachel is still in critical condition. We had to pump her stomach to get out most of the pills but the effects of the medication had already taken a toll. Her heartbeat ended up becoming very, very slow which caused a lack of the necessary amount of oxygen, unfortunately causing her to slip into a coma."

There were gasps and shrieks through the waiting room; a loud, deep sigh was heard from Kester. Finn's head dropped once again into his hands, rocking as he tried to comprehend the news.

"Now, there is a chance and a big chance that she is going to wake up. We're feeding her oxygen and her vitals are very slowly becoming normal again. Hopefully, by tomorrow she'll wake up and we'll see from there what happens. Now, this isn't a promise. I can't guarantee you anything, but from my medical experience, this is what I think is going to happen. " He stood up. "If you have anymore questions, don't hesitate to ask." The doctor gave the room as warm smile, and Kester stood once more to shake his hand and mumble a thank you.

A few more hours went by and soon, one by one, different members of the gang had to leave and soon the only people that were left were Finn and Kester.

Kester had been standing by the doorway with a cup of coffee in his hand when Finn finally spoke to him. Finn had known who he was all along, but this was the first time they had met. Rae had spoken so much about him and how he was like a father to her and how much better he had helped her get.

"She talks about you all the time." Finn said, leaning back into his chair.

"Does she? I thought I was still a secret."

"No, not to me anyway. She says so many great things like how you helped her get better and how you're like a father to her. She said one day, she was drunk of course, that maybe her mum could dump Karim and you two could fancy each other and then she'd be happiest girl in the world."

Kester looked down, smiling, his bald head shining with the fluorescent light. "Her mum is a little much for my taste." He said chuckling. "But Rae is special, real special. I would have liked that, to have her as a daughter. We'd be like friends, carrying on and about and having a laugh, and pint. I just wish I could have done something. I wish I would have known. It's my job to know and I didn't know." Kester stopped, his voice cracking a bit, he shook his head.

"She didn't speak of you specifically, but she did say she thought she was in love. That it was like the wind could knock her off her feet any moment, or something like that. I think she was talking about you."

Finn smiled then, it was the first time he had smiled since she told him on the phone that she loved him, which turned quickly into terror with his realization as to what she was about to do.

"I was right, she was talking about you." Kester smiled, sitting down across from Finn. "I'm glad you're in her life. She needs people to let her know that she's loved. She needs to know that there are people that care about her and need her to be alive. It's crazy to me that she doesn't think so, because she so fucking brilliant… I just don't understand."

"How could you ever understand something like this?" Finn said. "We've both sat here for hours trying to understand and it's no use. We both know that she's brilliant and wonderful and has a killer taste in music-" Kester chuckled. "But she doesn't, well besides the music part, and it caused her so much pain that she couldn't bear it anymore. It doesn't matter what we tell her, it doesn't matter how many times we tell her we love her, she's not going to believe it because she doesn't love herself."

Finn finished, shocked at the words coming out his mouth. He could never find the right words at any of the right moments, but those words felt right, they felt true.

Kester stared at him, "You're absolutely right."

"I don't know what I'd do if she didn't make it. I've never loved a girl before Rae, and I don't think I love anyone as much as I love her."

"Don't think like that, mate. She's going to pull through; she has to."

There was a commotion in the hall then. A shriek that Finn and Kester both recognized.

"Where is she?!" yelled Rae's mum.


	6. Chapter 6

The machines beeped and whirred around Rae; there was a tube down her throat and oxygen being fed into her nose. Her mom had passed out on the cot they had brought in and Kester and Karim were sitting in opposite ends of room, both asleep as well.

Finn sat next to Rae's bed, his head resting on the mattress near her hand. He thought maybe if he got closer to it he could somehow will it to move; wishful thinking he had. Soon, he slipped his hand into hers and held it there for what seemed like days. The sun came up and Finn was somewhere in between asleep and awake, the exhaustion finally taking over, when he felt a warm hand on his shoulder; Rae's mum had woken up.

"Go home. You look like death." She said, groggily. "I'll call you if there's any change."

Finn hesitated, not wanting to leave Rae's side, but then he thought about his parents and how worried they'd be and the gang. He'd have to fill them in, get a few hours of sleep and then he'd come straight back.

"Okay, I'll be back around noon, yeah?" he said, lifting himself up, his muscles weak with exhaustion, grabbing his bag off the floor.

"Finn?" Rae's mum started. "I just wanted to thank you. For everything you've done for Rae or tried to do for her. You really changed her. You made her happier. She really loves you, you know? I just wish I knew what went wrong. "

Finn wished to know the exact same thing. She did seem a bit off at the game, but that was the only time he noticed something. Was he not paying attention? Were there signs that he didn't see? She seemed so happy when they were together, he thought. Maybe she was putting up a front.

"Yeah, me too." Said Finn, simply. He gave Rae's mum a hug and walked out. His throat tightened up and his eyes began to burn; not again, he thought. He'd been in that state most of the night as he thought about how his life would be without Rae. The mere image of it was too much to bear.

He made his way home, his dad sitting on the table stirring a cup of tea.

"Son." He said, standing up and hugging him.

Finn held onto him for a while, not sure what else to do, not sure what to say.

"It's alright son, it's alright." Finn's dad said, stroking his back. "She's going to be fine."

The pain of it all cut through Finn like a hot knife through butter. He sobbed in his father's arms, the despair weighing him down like an anchor. His best friend, the love of his life was in a coma and there was nothing he could do. Finn went on like that for a while and after there were no more tears left to cry his dad made him a cup of tea and set him up on the couch; he passed out within minutes.

Finn's subconscious ran rampant as he slept. He saw Rae and she wasn't in a coma. She was laughing and listening to music and they were together. Then she collapsed in her bedroom and the scene changed to the hospital and there she was just as he left her. She laid there, still as stagnant water, just as she had in the waking world and then there was a long, loud constant beep that could have only meant one thing.

Finn broke from his sleep, covered and sweat and gasping for air. The phone was ringing and his heart leapt out of his throat with the thought that it was Rae's mum telling him she had woken up.

"Hello?!" he managed to splutter out, nearly knocking the phone off the wall.

"Finn?"

"Archie?" asked Finn.

"Finn, it's about time. I've been calling all morning." Finn walked around the corner to look at the clock in the kitchen to see that it was past 3 in the afternoon.

Finn's heart dropped, anything could have happened in the hours he slept away. He never did get a chance to tell his dad to wake him up at a noon.

"Shit, man. I was supposed to be back at the hospital by now. I fell asleep-

"It doesn't matter, just get here. The gang is all here. Rae is awake! She's been asking for ya!

Finn dropped the phone without a word and ran out of the house and onto his scooter; he practically ran over people on his way out of his driveway.

The automatic hospital doors couldn't open fast enough for him as he ran through the entrance. The elevator seemed to take a year to reach the lobby and if it wasn't because Rae was on the 9th floor he might ran all the way up there.

Finally, he exited the elevator and ran down the hall, past the nurse's station to Rae's room only to slow down just at the doorway to hear laughter and talking. He almost needed to make sure it wasn't a hoax, that was true, that she was really awake.

Slowly, he stepped into the room, reaching his neck over Chop and Izzy who were closest to the doorway. No one noticed he had come in and he didn't want to say anything just yet. He just wanted to look at her, to appreciate what he had almost lost. She looked okay. She wasn't her old self; the loud, funny, mad girl he knew, but she was still there, he could see it in her eyes.

"I'm sorry everyone, really, I am. After I had taken the pills I realized it wasn't what I wanted, I wanted to live. But it was too late and they took me under before I could try and do anything about it. I didn't mean to cause any of ya any pain. I didn't realize when I was taking the pills that I love all of you too much not to be here with you. "

Rae began to scan the room looking at all the faces that stared back at her. Finn moved then, stepping forward, head drooped and hands shoved deep into his pockets.

"Hey Rae." He said, his voice cracking, tears welled up in his eyes.

"Finn…I-" Rae began.

"You don't need to say anything, Rae."

"Everyone, can we have a minute?"

Sures and yeahs were heard through the room as everyone filed out and left just the two of them staring at each other.

Moments passed before anything was said and then Finn rushed towards the bed and kissed Rae, hard on the lips. They kissed for what felt like seconds to Finn, but they were a little out of breath when they broke away from each other.

He rested his forehead on hers, "You scared the living shit outta me, Rae. How could do you that? When you know how much I fucking love you?"

"Finn, I'm so sorry. I just couldn't believe it, I couldn't believe how much everyone… liked having me around.

"You really are fucking mad, Rachel Earl. Everyone loves you to pieces."

Rae chuckled and Finn kissed her once more. "After thinking I wasn't ever going to be able to kiss you again, now I don't want to stop." He laughed softly against her lips.

"Finn…"

"Yeah?"

"I love you." said Rae. "I've loved you since played that crap song in the car on the way to Knebworth. And I should have told ya sooner, but I didn't know how. I didn't think it was real, I didn't think you loving me was real, but I do now. And I hate that I had to do something so stupid to realize it. "

Finn didn't say anything, he just kissed Rae again, and felt the warmth of her body radiating off her like the sun on a winter day.


End file.
